


Myrrh and Ephraim's Grand Wal-Mart Adventure

by nahofficial



Category: Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Genre: Gen, i know how dearly these sorry excuses for literature were missed, welcoem back to shitfics my friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 02:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14178492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahofficial/pseuds/nahofficial
Summary: A grandiose adventure unfolds! Join Myrrh and Ephraim as they forge their way through a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Action! Suspense! Garbage sentences and paragraphs! All can be experienced by your eyes upon reading this fan fiction!





	Myrrh and Ephraim's Grand Wal-Mart Adventure

myrrh's phone buzzed in her coat pocket. she knew it was ephraim calling because she had set a special ringtone for him: the alvin and the chipmunks cover of heaven is a place on earth but slowed down to .25x speed so that the chipmunks sounded not only like a sludge rock band but also were currently riding an intense crossfaded high. she pulled off the mitten on her left hand with her teeth, and took her phone out of her pocket, replacing it with the mitten.

"hello?" myrrh sang, pulling her scarf down so that it wouldn't muffle her voice. she kicked some snow in front of her.

"hey myrrh listen up real quick real fast jot some notes or some shit this is mad important. i need to run to wal-mart i gotta buy some pizza rolls and other shit and ive decided youre tagging along with me. where you at so i can pick you up." his words were rapid fire, like he was holding down the trigger on an uzi but instead of bullets they were his brain words excreted from his mouth. myrrh laughed, and looked at the forest all around her. 

"well, right now i'm taking a walk in that nature preserve near my house--you know, the one with that tree i got stuck in once. i'm pretty deep in, you sure you still want to pick me up?" 

"oh shit, its crazy pretty out today nice decision. hows the snow?" in the background, myrrh could hear ephraim start his car. 

"fluffy!" myrrh smiled and watched as her breath drifted off in small clouds before her. 

"right the fuck on. yeah im still going to come pick you up--be there in like three, four songs alright? alright." before she could respond, he hung up. this was serious business. she turned around and began to wander back to the entrance of the nature preserve. 

it was perfect timing, like divine providence ensured that neither of them would be waiting too long. as soon as myrrh reached the parking lot, ephraim pulled in in his super stylish blue 2009 honda civic. even outside the car, myrrh could hear death grips being played. ephraim rolled down the window and shouted over MC Ride's inarguably dulcet tones for her to hop on in. she did thusly. ephraim turned the volume down.

"you ready for the next odyssey in its making because youre about to live it." ephraim took the aux cord from his phone and tossed it into myrrh's lap. "play your sick fuckin tunes girl. youre the dj."

"i'm on it!" this is the point in which i, the author, am really very tempted to shove my own music tastes into this affair. and considering that i, again the author speaking here directly to you my audience, am god in the confines of these words you are reading, i will do exactly that. they jammed the fuck out to sweet trip's amazing dream pop album entitled you will never know why. im allowed to do this because this is fanfiction and there are no fucking rules. they sang along to the music, ephraim drumming to the beats on the steering wheel, and myrrh doing the same thing on the dashboard. myrrh took her mittens off and threw them into the backseat, where they landed upon a small traffic cone and an empty can of pringles.

they arrived at the promised land; the land of bargains; the land of the deals; the land of wal. its vast stretches of concrete parking lot stretched out before them, accented by the typical brown slush found here and there created from leftover snow that was not blown away earlier. before them rose the grand supercenter of everyday low prices, benevolent blue and white design growing from the ground like the grand display of capitalism that it was.

"myrrh, unbuckle your car seatbelt and buckle in your adventure seatbelt because we're on the mission of a lifetime," spoke ephraim as he parked his car. he pulled myrrh into a huddle as if they were a two-person football team. "alright team, heres our recon mission. we gotta get some pizza rolls, preferably totinos brand totinos pizza rolls made by totinos. we gotta find some cheapass movie in the $5 bin. if you can find any sorta grand collection like four christian horse movies or any sorta shit like that you win the jackpot and i'll buy you a candy. we gotta get a package of water balloons, but we're going to fill them up with paint so we need some of that too. also im thinking we need to buy some fireworks. if they got fireworks, we gotta get some. sound like a plan?"

"sounds like a plan." myrrh responded.

"alright! one two three break!" they both hopped out of the car and began strolling towards the grand building before them. ephraim hit the lock button on his keys several times.

they hit the aisles of the supermarket, ephraim pushing the shopping cart, myrrh standing up in it as if she was george washington and the concrete floors of the walmart were the delaware river. she pointed forwards to the refrigerated section of the superstore. if there were people watching them, neither of them noticed nor cared. there were more pressing matters. there were totinos brand totinos pizza rolls totino flavored to attain and purchase.

"forwards, ephraim! the promised land awaits!"

"aye, captain!" they flew down the aisles, and turned into the frozen dinners section. there, protected behind a glass door, was the promised food. the ambrosia of earth. the totinos pizza rolls. ephraim tore the door off the hinges and threw three bags of cheese totinos pizza rolls to myrrh, who caught them and set them in the cart. eprhaim set the disconnected casualty of a door leaning against one of its brethren and thanked it for its service in protecting the pizza rolls.

"where to now?" asked myrrh.

"movies!" responded ephraim with urgency. "we must!"

again they flew through the supermarket, this time myrrh sitting down to protect the totinos. they tokyo fucking drifted fast and furious style through the clothing section of the store, and skidded to a halt in the electronics section. myrrh hopped out of the cart and the two of them began to burrow through the bargain movie bin on opposite ends in search of the hidden gems within. myrrh dug deep, eventually having to climb into the bin in order to get to the bottom. like an archaeologist looking for fossils, she was looking for the beautiful movies lost by time. she let out a gasp, and ephraim ran over to where she was in curiosity. there it was, she was looking at it with her own two eyes… sitting amidst the my little pony dvds, the shaggy dog sequel movies, and a vhs tape for jimmy neutron, was the perfect film.

"what is it?" asked ephraim.

"its… its beautiful…" responded myrrh. she held it up. the plastic wrap packaging glistened in the fluorescent lights, making the dvd appear to be a precious gem (which it was). "look at it."

"myrrh you know i cant fucking read"

"oh yeah right sorry," she turned the cover over so she could read it herself. there, staring up at her was a grinning man in a snakeskin cowboy hat and jeffrey dahmer glasses, bestowing in his cupped hands a fair selection of mushrooms. he wore his hair in two braids, and there was a bandana wrapped about his neck. the text on the cover, which myrrh read to ephraim, said: 

"FROM

**RON MANN**

AWARD-WINNING DIRECTOR OF 

**GRASS** AND  **COMIC BOOK CONFIDENTIAL** : 

**KNOW YOUR MUSHROOMS**

WITH MUSIC BY THE FLAMING LIPS AND THE SADIES"

"holy fucking shit" said ephriam. "i'm going to buy you two candies for finding that. throw that in the cart and lets fuckin ride."

"hell yeah" said myrrh, throwing herself and the movie into the cart. once again they balled so fuckin hard thru the walmart aisles that they broke a sound barrier and shattered a couple television screens as they left the electronics section. ephraim leaned in to talk to myrrh while he was mad fuckin dashing thru the walmart.

"okay myrrh mini plan here we're stoppin in the art aisle. im gonna run and grab the water balloons you go pick out some paints, i'll meet you back at the art aisles, sound good?"

"sounds good," myrrh affirmed. they skidded to a halt in the art aisle. myrrh hopped out and started to look for nice various cheap paint colors while ephraim fuckin booked it off to god knows where to find some water balloons. half a minute later, he was back with two bags of water balloons. myrrh held in her hands some green and purple acrylic paint bottles. 

"god myrrh, you know what? we are so fucking good. we're the best at this. lets go, you can pick out some candies at the checkout." myrrh hopped in the shopping cart one last time, and they expedited themselves to the checkout aisles. myrrh grabbed two kit-kat bars, and they purchased their goods.

"Thank you ever so much for your service, I dearly appreciate it," spake Ephraim unto the cashier. she smiled in return, but her weariness was noticeable. he bought another kit-kat bar and gave it to her, then the two of them absconded (v. leave hurriedly and secretly, typically to avoid detection of or arrest for an unlawful action such as theft. as made popular in homestuck.) to ephraim's car. they threw the bags in the car and strapped the shopping cart to the roof. 

"want to go to my place and enjoy the fruits of our labor?" asked ephraim as he put the keys in ignition.

"you know it," replied myrrh with a grin. she cranked up the heat and plugged the aux cord into her phone. they began the journey back to ephraim's abode. myrrh played the album See It Another Way by the artist Macha, and they jammed the Fuck out. 

"myrrh, thanks for putting up with my whims," ephraim said over the music, his eyes focused on the road. "its nice to have someone like you in my life."

"thanks for picking me up and driving me around!" responded myrrh, who had opened up one of her kit-kats and was eating it lengthways. "i'm happy to do things with you, its fun!"

"yeah i definitely agree, its-- SHIT!" ephraim slammed his hand on the wheel. myrrh flinched. "WE FORGOT THE FIREWORKS, GODDAMNIT!"

"NOOO!" cried myrrh. there was a pause as both mourned, and then myrrh piped up once more. "its okay, we can do that tomorrow!"

"youre free tomorrow?" asked ephraim.

"yeah!"

"oh fuck yeah girl, we are living life." ephraim's short despair was immediately replaced with happiness, and the two of them rode happily to ephraim's place to eat totinos brand totninos pizzas rolls, throw paint balloons at each other, and watch a mushroom documentary. 

**Author's Note:**

> one day i will have to look whatever the fuck created me in the face and justify my reason for living. wish me luck.


End file.
